Without a doubt one of the most frustrating challenges with co-parenting is having to deal with your ex! Scheduling, drop off times, pick up times, holidays, even back to school night can quickly turn an ordinary event into a blow out.
These types of blow outs are not only unnecessary, but will also create stress on your children as well as add additional chaos to a life you're trying desperately to balance. With a little bit of awareness and a lot of patience you can quickly and easily learn to turn these otherwise dreadful meetings into a walk in the park:
1).Don't expect things to change:
The fact that you were even able to tolerate your ex long enough to have children together, may at this point amaze you. But the fact is that he/she is who they are and they are never going to change. Remember? That's why you guys aren't together anymore. So rather than expecting this particular event to be any different would be setting yourself up for failure and frustration.
For example, if your ex is always late to your prearranged meeting time you can bet that they are going to be late this time, the next time, and definitely the next time you guys meet to exchange the kiddos.
As opposed to looking at your watch and getting yourself all worked up, just accept the fact that they are going to be late. That's not to say that you change your patterns or behavior to match their own as this only creates more challenges. But, you can arrive prepared to wait. Bring a book or your iPod, recognize that the 10 or 20 minutes that they are running behind could actually be used as a positive mind break and a little you time.
Of course the example of running late is 1 of 1,000's of scenarios that could frustrate you. However, the point is that you can't control other people, but you can control how you react to them or how they make you feel. So whatever the history, pattern, or behavior that annoys you - expect it to be the same and prepare yourself to deal with it in a manner which is productive and positive for you.
2). Call a time-out:
It's inevitable, there are going to be times, decisions, and points of disagreement. Depending how active each co-parent is in your child's life, these can range to moderate discussions to full-blown arguments. When you find yourself at that point of elevation where emotion begins to overtake logic and you want to tell your ex where they can go with their opinion - Call a time-out.
You will find that a large majority of your arguments are emotionally fueled by something that has little or nothing to do with the topic of discussion. Maybe you had a bad day, maybe they had a bad day, or maybe one of you is still holding on to some recent anger about the relationship and these emotions are spilling over into the current discussion.
By calling a timeout you are allowing yourself the distance to not get caught up in the heat of the moment and being sucked into the evolving drama. You can now step away and look at the situation from a perspective that is not clouded by anger. Approach the situation an hour or two, maybe even a day or two later when all parties have had a chance to digest a possible solution.
Trust me - one the hardest things you can do is disengage from a heated discussion, especially when at that moment you are solid in your position. But, by doing so you may find out later that there are alternative solutions or resolve to the challenge. Try it!
3). Agree to disagree:
Co-parenting is a unique situation where each discussion, disagreement, or argument is separate to themselves. What I mean by this, is when you are in a relationship, disagreements often have a process to them. You disagree, things get heated, resolve is found, and recovery occurs in order for the relationship to survive. When co-parenting a disagreement is just that, it's a disagreement.
The ultimate goal is to quickly find the best resolve for all parties and move on effectively raising your children. You should be less concerned with the recovery process (assuming you did not say or do something out of bounds). The point being is that you are now committed to a co-parenting situation where it is ok to agree to disagree. Just make certain that you disagree fair and that you keep your focus on what is in the best interest of the children.
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