Doug has been married for over fifteen years; he wishes that in the beginning of his marriage he had kept his credit separate from his wife's. Today he is experiencing some difficulties as a result of his wife adding his name to her credit cards and then not paying them on time. Throughout his marriage money is a subject that is skirted and the root of much tension between he and his wife. Several years ago Mary discovered, after she married her second husband, that he owed $40,000 to credit card companies, for which she later became jointly responsible. She said "When we dated I remember him paying for things with his credit cards but I didn't think anything more of that. We were so much in love that it didn't occur to either of us to discuss money prior to our marriage and now money has become a source of most of our arguments".
Both of these couples experienced more financial stress in their lives due to their lack of communication about money. Ideally beginning a life long habit of developing good communication in the beginning of your relationship is best however if your relationship is more mature it's never too late to begin in-depth discussions regarding this subject. As in Mary's case, having money discussions in the beginning of the relationship was particularly difficult because firstly money isn't a subject we're comfortable talking about plus it's even more difficult for new relationships due to the hormonal and chemical changes we experience as we are intoxicated by a new and wonderful love.
When we don't discuss money with our partners and ask the hard questions either at the beginning of the relationship as in Mary's case or during the relationship as in Doug's case then our financial decisions are made unconsciously. At some point how our partner relates to money will also affect our own relationship with money. For instance, if your partner knows no financial boundaries you may end up living your life constantly digging yourselves out from credit card debt. If your partner isn't truthful about money, any kind of financial planning becomes much more difficult. In a recent survey conducted by Smart Money & Redbook magazines 40% of both men and women admitted lying about how much something they bought had cost.
Relationships are in constant motion as two people peel away the layers of one another.
This is why it's important to continually look and check in with one another about how you're doing financially. Over my years of helping people with money I can certainly testify that money does seem to be the most common root of relationship stress.
Ron and Jane are a couple who have realized the importance of good communication when it comes to financial matters. They use a computer software program called QuickBooks to more easily track their income, assets and liabilities. Using this system allows them quick and easy access to all their financial information.
Jane says "Like most other couples we bring our own addictions around spending into our marriage. When we have financial discussions we believe that being honest with each other is really important because that creates a check and balance system for us".
Luckily both Ron & Jane have different spending addictions. For example Jane would spend her last dime on her daughters. Ron however will occasionally challenge her and ask "Is this expense really necessary?" This gives Jane an opportunity to look a little deeper at the decision she is about to make. Ron has a love of automobiles, so much so, that family and friends have often jokingly accused Ron of having "autoitis". So when he decides to take another trip to the car lot to buy that latest and greatest car; Jane is able to challenge the necessity of such a decision.
Both Ron and Jane agree that consistent communication is extremely important and as such have begun taking annual retreats for the sole purpose of taking stock. Jane says "Generally we bring the following categories to the table such as kids; finances; spirituality and health. When we take these retreats we isolate ourselves with a whiteboard for the weekend. We prefer to select a location where there is no cell phone coverage or television and plenty of places for introspective hiking. Really important things have come out of these retreats that continue to keep our marriage alive."
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