If you're like most women, you've probably had a time or two in your life when you failed to speak up for yourself, and you consistently surrendered to others' misbehavior, impositions, inconsiderate behavior, opinions, and ideas that significantly impacted YOUR life.
It is likely that after yet another powerless encounter with friends, family, or foes, you later felt anger that oddly was not directed so much at the person who "overpowered" you but at someone much closer--Yourself! You become the target of your own anger when you realize you have succumbed once again to choices that do not align with your heart's desire or choices that may be outright destructive in terms of prolonging poor quality relationships, derailing a dream, draining your finances, or staying in exhausting jobs that exploit your dedication. Even worse, you may attempt to take the edge off of your frustrations with habits of excessive eating, shopping, or drinking among many other indulgences that bring only temporary relief but create a host of additional problems. Self-betrayal always comes at a price.
You may have gained some awareness over the years of your customary pattern to please others at the expense of honoring and nurturing yourself, but still you wonder, "How did this happen to me again?" Moments of frustration and anger about this repeated pattern can turn into a lifestyle of being treated as the convenient doormat for others, and you unwittingly begin to volunteer for the job without a second thought.
Though it may seem hopeless, you actually can say good-bye to passive behavior and reclaim your rightful voice with the following considerations and guidelines:
1.) Minimize the factors in your life that tempt passivity. One of those factors is limitation in choices concerning employment opportunities, companions, financial options, skills, and trusted advisers. The more options you have to exercise, the less trapped you feel in a certain set of circumstances or in certain relationships. Creating or increasing options begins with a self-assessment of your talents and skills, strengths, and weaknesses with brutal honesty. You may want to ask trusted friends or co-workers to help you identify your strengths, or you may begin to listen carefully to those aspects about yourself that people seem to notice or compliment. Once identifying your most positive qualities, maximize them through educational advancement, vocational training, mentors, and hobbies that encourage routine and purposeful connection to others and a sense of competency. Having a more expanded life not only helps combat passivity but leads to a more satisfying, fulfilling life in general. The more interesting your life appears to others, the more valuable your input will be considered, which in turn enhances confidence in your thoughts and opinions. Here's a helpful tip: Anyone in your circle not willing to participate in respecting, supporting, or even celebrating your desire to expand your horizons is not a healthy match for you. Consideration for putting some distance in that relationship is in order as you begin to exercise your newly created options in ways that feed your growth. As former Essence Magazine editor Susan Taylor states in her book In the Spirit, "Everyone does not deserve to have a front row seat in your life." This also includes some family members, who may offer the biggest temptation for you to remain passive. You will find on your journey of personal growth that some people have to be loved from afar.
2.) Notice the way you treat yourself in front of others. You tell people all day long, through your actions and reactions, how to treat you. For instance, notice your response when others compliment you. Is your response an immediate dismissal of the compliment. If someone says, "Your hair really looks nice today," do you respond with something like "You must need glasses…I'm long overdue for a hair-cut." If someone says, "I really like your outfit," do you respond by saying, "I've had this for years…it's old as dirt…it was super cheap…I never wear it because it makes me look fat." If you find yourself constantly dismissing the positive comments of others, others will soon get the hint that you don't value yourself. They will stop giving you positive comments and even overlook you because you have discouraged them from edifying you. You'll notice the withdrawal of attention and may wonder or even complain about why others treat you invisibly. You may even retreat into what you think is a safe shell and then experience discomfort when noticed or sought out for an opinion. So, start with a simple but sometimes really daring experiment for the chronically passive. Muster up every ounce of courage possible and dare to accept a compliment at face value by looking the admirer in the eye and saying a simple and firm "thank you." Then STOP and add no further commentary to the expression of your gratitude. Resisting further comment from your internal "peanut gallery" is the most important and sometimes most difficult part of this experiment. It will feel foreign at first, but you'll soon outgrow the discomfort, and send a simple but noticeable message to others that you feel deserving of the compliment because you understand that you have value.
3.) Watch your body language. Downcast eyes, slouched shoulders, hesitant speech, nodding your head in agreement to anything anybody says all communicate a sense of self-doubt and lack of confidence. It may be helpful to develop a self-talk strategy that helps your body to respond with more confident posture. Pick a favorite saying, prayer, scripture, quote, or line from a song that you find particularly empowering. Mumble it under your breath--as you walk down the hall at work, enter a meeting room, or arrive at a party--thus encouraging self-awareness about what your body is communicating to others. It takes practice, so when your mind starts wondering toward negative self-talk, do a thought-stopping exercise by immediately replacing that thought with something more accurate to describe the evolving, stimulating person you are becoming. It is impossible for your brain to dwell intently on two thoughts at the same time, so extinguish the negative self-talk with positive self-talk and do it out-loud
It is likely that after yet another powerless encounter with friends, family, or foes, you later felt anger that oddly was not directed so much at the person who "overpowered" you but at someone much closer--Yourself! You become the target of your own anger when you realize you have succumbed once again to choices that do not align with your heart's desire or choices that may be outright destructive in terms of prolonging poor quality relationships, derailing a dream, draining your finances, or staying in exhausting jobs that exploit your dedication. Even worse, you may attempt to take the edge off of your frustrations with habits of excessive eating, shopping, or drinking among many other indulgences that bring only temporary relief but create a host of additional problems. Self-betrayal always comes at a price.
You may have gained some awareness over the years of your customary pattern to please others at the expense of honoring and nurturing yourself, but still you wonder, "How did this happen to me again?" Moments of frustration and anger about this repeated pattern can turn into a lifestyle of being treated as the convenient doormat for others, and you unwittingly begin to volunteer for the job without a second thought.
Though it may seem hopeless, you actually can say good-bye to passive behavior and reclaim your rightful voice with the following considerations and guidelines:
1.) Minimize the factors in your life that tempt passivity. One of those factors is limitation in choices concerning employment opportunities, companions, financial options, skills, and trusted advisers. The more options you have to exercise, the less trapped you feel in a certain set of circumstances or in certain relationships. Creating or increasing options begins with a self-assessment of your talents and skills, strengths, and weaknesses with brutal honesty. You may want to ask trusted friends or co-workers to help you identify your strengths, or you may begin to listen carefully to those aspects about yourself that people seem to notice or compliment. Once identifying your most positive qualities, maximize them through educational advancement, vocational training, mentors, and hobbies that encourage routine and purposeful connection to others and a sense of competency. Having a more expanded life not only helps combat passivity but leads to a more satisfying, fulfilling life in general. The more interesting your life appears to others, the more valuable your input will be considered, which in turn enhances confidence in your thoughts and opinions. Here's a helpful tip: Anyone in your circle not willing to participate in respecting, supporting, or even celebrating your desire to expand your horizons is not a healthy match for you. Consideration for putting some distance in that relationship is in order as you begin to exercise your newly created options in ways that feed your growth. As former Essence Magazine editor Susan Taylor states in her book In the Spirit, "Everyone does not deserve to have a front row seat in your life." This also includes some family members, who may offer the biggest temptation for you to remain passive. You will find on your journey of personal growth that some people have to be loved from afar.
2.) Notice the way you treat yourself in front of others. You tell people all day long, through your actions and reactions, how to treat you. For instance, notice your response when others compliment you. Is your response an immediate dismissal of the compliment. If someone says, "Your hair really looks nice today," do you respond with something like "You must need glasses…I'm long overdue for a hair-cut." If someone says, "I really like your outfit," do you respond by saying, "I've had this for years…it's old as dirt…it was super cheap…I never wear it because it makes me look fat." If you find yourself constantly dismissing the positive comments of others, others will soon get the hint that you don't value yourself. They will stop giving you positive comments and even overlook you because you have discouraged them from edifying you. You'll notice the withdrawal of attention and may wonder or even complain about why others treat you invisibly. You may even retreat into what you think is a safe shell and then experience discomfort when noticed or sought out for an opinion. So, start with a simple but sometimes really daring experiment for the chronically passive. Muster up every ounce of courage possible and dare to accept a compliment at face value by looking the admirer in the eye and saying a simple and firm "thank you." Then STOP and add no further commentary to the expression of your gratitude. Resisting further comment from your internal "peanut gallery" is the most important and sometimes most difficult part of this experiment. It will feel foreign at first, but you'll soon outgrow the discomfort, and send a simple but noticeable message to others that you feel deserving of the compliment because you understand that you have value.
3.) Watch your body language. Downcast eyes, slouched shoulders, hesitant speech, nodding your head in agreement to anything anybody says all communicate a sense of self-doubt and lack of confidence. It may be helpful to develop a self-talk strategy that helps your body to respond with more confident posture. Pick a favorite saying, prayer, scripture, quote, or line from a song that you find particularly empowering. Mumble it under your breath--as you walk down the hall at work, enter a meeting room, or arrive at a party--thus encouraging self-awareness about what your body is communicating to others. It takes practice, so when your mind starts wondering toward negative self-talk, do a thought-stopping exercise by immediately replacing that thought with something more accurate to describe the evolving, stimulating person you are becoming. It is impossible for your brain to dwell intently on two thoughts at the same time, so extinguish the negative self-talk with positive self-talk and do it out-loud
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