Move With, Not Against, Partners

We interact energetically with others. We either move towards others, away from others, with others or against others. When we believe that others are our adversaries, we move against them. Action—reaction, tit-for-tat or retaliation, can transform them into adversaries.
Anthropologists and biologists believe we have a tit-for-tat instinct hard wired into our DNA. In fact, this instinct is evolutionary and is found in all mammals. Such is true, for example, when someone comes at us 'mammals' in anger, we fire off fear signals in our amygdala—a tiny organ found in the lower part of our limbic brain—and we move into our protection mode.



As soon as we see and feel the signals that someone is on the attack, we respond instinctively to protect ourselves. Some people react by matching anger with anger, often causing a fight to ensue. Others may flee if they feel the anger and aggression will lead to danger, believing that running away will save them from being 'eaten alive.' Others will freeze, hoping the aggressor will change their mind and move on to more enticing prey.

This dance of engagement drives all of human behavior. Psychiatrist Stuart Brown gives an incredible presentation that puts these interaction dynamics into context. Brown describes a meeting between an enormous 1,200-pound male polar bear and a female husky. The scene is the moment of contact between the two the polar bear and husky on the Hudson Bay in late fall, just north of Churchill, Manitoba.

In his constant pursuit of food, the polar bear focuses his predatory gaze onto the female husky, catching her stare. Under normal circumstances, the polar bear's generally fixed, rigid, and stereotypical behavior would end with the husky as his next meal, but this time, something unusual happens. The husky returned his gaze with an engaging and graceful bow and a wagging tail. The polar bear stood towering over the husky, and instead of claws and fangs, they began to engage in an incredible ballet.

This unexpected interaction is just as much a part of nature's order as the anticipated battle-to-the-death. Yet this time, it manifests as an incredible duet between predator and prey, with two animals in a transformed state a state of play. All because of the way the husky acted. What trumps what in nature? We assume power over others gets us our way. And what is our way anyway? The dance in nature we witnessed in the story of the husky and the polar bear is a perfect example of how human beings and all other animals communicate. We send all types of signals all the time. We test each other—as the husky did the bear, and we see what comes back. Our signals work like radio signals saying: "Where are you?" and "What do you want?"

Our signaling system—what we send and what we receive—alerts us to the nature of our relationship with others. We either move towards others, away from others, with others or against others. Each signal generates a reaction that is as hardwired in nature as the fight-or-flight syndrome.

In our brains, we translate these signals into labels about our power relationship to others. We are either in a power-over or power-with mode of interaction with those around us. The husky's signals to play—power-with—trumped the polar bear's signals to dominate— power-over—certainly a trump that is one of nature's big surprises.